I want

Originally Posted: Friday, May 22, 2009

Mammaw would know what to do with me tonight. She would fold her short, pillowy arms around me, pull me close, and sing me "If I were a rooster..". She would tell me stories of angels singing, and I would be safe because they watched over us at all times because of her prayers. She and Pappaw were the only parts of Indiana I loved. They are still here, but they are unfortunately buried in New Castle, and no amount of crying I do over their bodies will bring back that wonderful feeling of their love. I thought about paying a visit over the long weekend, but then I depressed myself into blogging when I realized the only people close by that truly loved me cannot hold me.

Their daughter, my Nana, would have jumped in the car and drove up to see me. She also would know what to do. My house would be spotless, and she would cook a big pot of vegetable soup. In the morning she would wake me up with kisses all over my face, and I would giggle and hug her as I awoke. She is beneath the ground too.

Death sucks.

I would love to bestow that love on someone else, but I cannot seem to find anyone who would appreciate it like I did. I never have been able to. I give until the life is sucked out of me and then some only to be left alone like tonight questioning my self-worth as I appear to not be needed by anyone. That slight fear of dieing alone and no one discovering my body for 6 months grows by the month.

If one more person tells me to get a hobby or go out and find some "me" time, I think I'll scream. Everyone that says that has someone to go home to. I am a giver whether it be of a smile, hug, look, or love. I am not built for anything else. Unfortunately, I also have a low bull shit tolerance, and there aren't many who can stand to be around me for extended periods to begin with. This makes the whole "go make new friends!" scenario difficult as well.
I am starting to pull "me" apart for discovery. So far, I have surmised that if I did find someone, they would never be able to handle me anyway, and it's doomed for failure. I always seem to find myself wanting what I can't have.