I found a little more of myself today. After recovering from a bit of self-inflicted trauma, I put on the mindset that I have to conquer the world somehow no matter if I was in the mood to or not.
On the way home from work, I found my hand slipped out of the top of my car window and tapping the frame to the music. I remembered how Daddy always did that. His arm was tan until the shirt line was met. He had always warned us not to stick our limbs out of windows, yet he was the fearless protector who could do those kinds of dangerous things. I realized today that it is time to grow up and be my own fearless protector (ok let's be real, I've got some fear).
So, I turned up my obscurely dated music, fought the urge to turn it down at stop signs to avoid being "embarrassed" by my eclectic taste for someone my age, and I reveled in the fact that I am who I am. I love being the oddity that I am, and I love that few people get me.
I am happy tonight, and that is more than many can say.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Collected Quotes for May 2009
Originally Posted: Sunday, May 31, 2009
1. Live your life so that you'll have stories you would not dare tell your grandchildren. -- Stephanie C. Bond
2. And the truth is, I prefer a bumpy ride. At least you know you're moving. -- Susan Maushart
3. Being an old maid is like death by drowning, a really delightful sensation after you cease to struggle. -- Edna Ferber
4. Some people are like Slinkies--not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. -- Unknown
5. It was the most fun you have with your clothes on. -- Rick Bragg
6. The best way to get over one man is to get under another. --Joan, Sandra, and Ann
7. Don't worry about the mule being blind, just load the wagon. -- Daddy
8. And may all your ups and downs -- come only in the bedroom. -- toast in Rachel Getting Married
I want
Originally Posted: Friday, May 22, 2009
Mammaw would know what to do with me tonight. She would fold her short, pillowy arms around me, pull me close, and sing me "If I were a rooster..". She would tell me stories of angels singing, and I would be safe because they watched over us at all times because of her prayers. She and Pappaw were the only parts of Indiana I loved. They are still here, but they are unfortunately buried in New Castle, and no amount of crying I do over their bodies will bring back that wonderful feeling of their love. I thought about paying a visit over the long weekend, but then I depressed myself into blogging when I realized the only people close by that truly loved me cannot hold me.
Their daughter, my Nana, would have jumped in the car and drove up to see me. She also would know what to do. My house would be spotless, and she would cook a big pot of vegetable soup. In the morning she would wake me up with kisses all over my face, and I would giggle and hug her as I awoke. She is beneath the ground too.
Death sucks.
I would love to bestow that love on someone else, but I cannot seem to find anyone who would appreciate it like I did. I never have been able to. I give until the life is sucked out of me and then some only to be left alone like tonight questioning my self-worth as I appear to not be needed by anyone. That slight fear of dieing alone and no one discovering my body for 6 months grows by the month.
If one more person tells me to get a hobby or go out and find some "me" time, I think I'll scream. Everyone that says that has someone to go home to. I am a giver whether it be of a smile, hug, look, or love. I am not built for anything else. Unfortunately, I also have a low bull shit tolerance, and there aren't many who can stand to be around me for extended periods to begin with. This makes the whole "go make new friends!" scenario difficult as well.
I am starting to pull "me" apart for discovery. So far, I have surmised that if I did find someone, they would never be able to handle me anyway, and it's doomed for failure. I always seem to find myself wanting what I can't have.
Smiles and Magnolias
Originally Posted: May 31, 2009
I set out in search of a magnolia tree and honeysuckle. I found the honeysuckle, and I, like any other child may do, stopped for a taste of the nectar. There did not seem to be as much to extract as I remember from my childhood, but it was a bit sweeter.
I continued my walk through a very picturesque downtown. People tend to stare at me like I'm some sort of alien. I cannot blame them as I would probably stare at the strange woman who tastes honeysuckle and reaches out to touch unfamiliar tree leaves just to see what they feel like. I know there is still hope for me here. Although strangers do not smile first or simultaneously, they always return the smile I insist on giving to them. They also look a bit surprised, and I am happy to have imprinted a thought on someone's day.
I have had the first fairly satisfying weekend since moving up here. I didn't find my magnolia, but I had fun looking. I guess that is life in a nutshell. We rarely find or get what we want, but what the hell fun is it if you actually get it? It's the longing and searching that makes it worth the while in the end.
Alone
Originally Posted: Friday, May 15, 2009
I don't remember when I've felt so alone. He finally signed the papers, and I can tell he's grown colder. I am OK with that, because that is what is best, and that is what I want. He was anxious to get away once I let him know I would sleep alone tonight. There's nothing in it for him here anymore.
Old friends are gone, family grows distant with the miles, and new friends whom I have trusted more than anyone should, have pushed me away when I needed them most. My dogs don't even want to be close to me right now.
This is generally where I come in with my "I will survive" inspirational speech, but I truly don't have anything. I exist at this point. I have only myself to hold, and I don't know that that will be enough.
Storm
Originally Posted: Thursday, May 7, 2009
That beautiful storm is approaching again. It is one part of Indiana I am growing to love. It is eerily dark, as if one black cloud wrapped around the earth, and just now the flashes of lightning are flickering behind the tall brick buildings. When I was a girl, Daddy would call me to the door in a bad storm, and we would just watch. To this day it's one of my favorite things to do.
I think tonight will be a good night for sleep. I am not so lonely as I was last night, and that mood seems to come and go. Breaking free isn't killing me, but it hurts like hell.
I am off to my sweet tea, storm, and sleep. The rain has just started.
That beautiful storm is approaching again. It is one part of Indiana I am growing to love. It is eerily dark, as if one black cloud wrapped around the earth, and just now the flashes of lightning are flickering behind the tall brick buildings. When I was a girl, Daddy would call me to the door in a bad storm, and we would just watch. To this day it's one of my favorite things to do.
I think tonight will be a good night for sleep. I am not so lonely as I was last night, and that mood seems to come and go. Breaking free isn't killing me, but it hurts like hell.
I am off to my sweet tea, storm, and sleep. The rain has just started.
A Little Blue
Originally Posted: Thursday, April 2, 2009
I'm enveloped in a sort of peaceful sadness. The weather is gloomy with beautiful dark skies, lightning, thunder, wind, and that general air that reminds me of some spot in my early life where I felt the same way. People find happiness in familiarity. That's why it is sometimes strange to observe an abused person stay abused or a miserable person remain miserable. They know they can stop what's going on, but the security they find in familiarity brings sanity to the situation. The person is better off if they can separate; it's the separation that kills.
Bleeding Dry
Originally Posted: Sunday, February 1, 2009
It is 11:46pm. I have just watched my neighbor's car get repo'd.
I've seen it before, except last time the man was out in his yard yelling at the guy for taking his truck. And, it occurred in my neighborhood, where people were just trying to make ends meet one way or another. Now, it's different. I don't live where I grew up any more. I made my way in to one of the nicer neighborhoods locked into high rent and student loan repayments. I didn't think that repossession happened here. Everyone acts too good to look at you, especially at a Southern girl who grew up wondering if the lights would be cut off again, the child of parents who used to wonder where their next meal would come from. I guess in this economy, the repo guy isn't affected by a dirty look, because he obnoxiously kept his diesel engine running while he took care of business.
The funny thing is, here, this type of thing would be scandalous because it doesn't happen. Now, as I look out at the dark, huge townhomes trying to conceal that they can't afford to have furniture, I know that they are thinking what I am thinking. It's so easy to be the next one the Repo Guy comes after. If I lose my job tomorrow, I'm totally screwed.
I watched as he pulled the car onto the back of the truck. A small red light cast a glow onto the snow, causing the illusion of a pool of bright, red blood
It is 11:46pm. I have just watched my neighbor's car get repo'd.
I've seen it before, except last time the man was out in his yard yelling at the guy for taking his truck. And, it occurred in my neighborhood, where people were just trying to make ends meet one way or another. Now, it's different. I don't live where I grew up any more. I made my way in to one of the nicer neighborhoods locked into high rent and student loan repayments. I didn't think that repossession happened here. Everyone acts too good to look at you, especially at a Southern girl who grew up wondering if the lights would be cut off again, the child of parents who used to wonder where their next meal would come from. I guess in this economy, the repo guy isn't affected by a dirty look, because he obnoxiously kept his diesel engine running while he took care of business.
The funny thing is, here, this type of thing would be scandalous because it doesn't happen. Now, as I look out at the dark, huge townhomes trying to conceal that they can't afford to have furniture, I know that they are thinking what I am thinking. It's so easy to be the next one the Repo Guy comes after. If I lose my job tomorrow, I'm totally screwed.
I watched as he pulled the car onto the back of the truck. A small red light cast a glow onto the snow, causing the illusion of a pool of bright, red blood
I am there.
Originally Posted: Monday, January 19, 2009
Yes, I am here. I'm in Washington, D.C. for the Inauguration of Barack Obama. Yesterday, I attended the Freedom Celebration and heard, among an entourage of celebrities, Barack Obama speak. Today, at our Presidential Classroom meeting, I saw President Bill Clinton only about 50 feet away giving a great speech. He spoke to us at his alma mater, Georgetown University. Tomorrow, I am to attend the Inauguration. I cannot say how exciting this has all been. I cannot express enough how proud I am to be here right now.
As for the general mood, you can feel the excitement building in the crowds. I do see some of the locals getting really frustrated on the Metro because of all the people. After the Freedom Celebration, everyone was in unison. We were all smiling, excited, and all of the same mind knowing that being here would likely be the most historic thing to happen to us in our lifetimes.
Washington is also not short of Obama Memorabilia, good grief. If you want a t-shirt, now's your chance. I caved and bought some coffee cups, coins, and a shot glass for my baby brother who I'm sure will put it to good use.
I video taped Bill Clinton's speech today, but the way it was compressed is not allowing me to transfer it to my computer to play it on Windows Media Player. I'll try to upload to You Tube later via the camera itself when I am able to charge the battery back up.
At the First Ladies exhibit in the American History Museum, they already have Michelle Obama's picture up. My life seems more complete every minute I'm here. Being here, winding through the streets of Georgetown, grabbing lunch in Crystal City, and seeing everyone celebrating down at The Mall , makes me miss this place all the more. This is my 8th and best trip to D.C., and I cannot wait to tell my children and grandchildren and on down my stories.
Yes, I am here. I'm in Washington, D.C. for the Inauguration of Barack Obama. Yesterday, I attended the Freedom Celebration and heard, among an entourage of celebrities, Barack Obama speak. Today, at our Presidential Classroom meeting, I saw President Bill Clinton only about 50 feet away giving a great speech. He spoke to us at his alma mater, Georgetown University. Tomorrow, I am to attend the Inauguration. I cannot say how exciting this has all been. I cannot express enough how proud I am to be here right now.
As for the general mood, you can feel the excitement building in the crowds. I do see some of the locals getting really frustrated on the Metro because of all the people. After the Freedom Celebration, everyone was in unison. We were all smiling, excited, and all of the same mind knowing that being here would likely be the most historic thing to happen to us in our lifetimes.
Washington is also not short of Obama Memorabilia, good grief. If you want a t-shirt, now's your chance. I caved and bought some coffee cups, coins, and a shot glass for my baby brother who I'm sure will put it to good use.
I video taped Bill Clinton's speech today, but the way it was compressed is not allowing me to transfer it to my computer to play it on Windows Media Player. I'll try to upload to You Tube later via the camera itself when I am able to charge the battery back up.
At the First Ladies exhibit in the American History Museum, they already have Michelle Obama's picture up. My life seems more complete every minute I'm here. Being here, winding through the streets of Georgetown, grabbing lunch in Crystal City, and seeing everyone celebrating down at The Mall , makes me miss this place all the more. This is my 8th and best trip to D.C., and I cannot wait to tell my children and grandchildren and on down my stories.
Be Careful with your Topamax!
Friday, November 28, 2008
I have suffered from migraines for most of my twenties. I could feel them starting over my left eye, and as I got to my mid-twenties, they would spread to neck and tighten everything that could be tightened. Needless to say, this was negatively effecting my ability to function at work, play, and everything else.
Then, my internist prescribed Topamax 25 mg. This cut my migraines by about 75%. I almost found religion again. I was bumped up to 50 mg, and the migraines went away. I occasionally missed a day or two, but for the most part, I took my little yellow pill regularly. When I moved from GA to IN, and my schedule became more regular, I don't think I missed a day. That's when I started to notice something was wrong.
It started out with some brain issues. I wasn't as sharp as I usually am. I had a harder time getting words from my brain to my lips. I had been losing my balance, becoming short of breath, and I was feeling some tingling in my feet and hands. I thought I was just overly bummed from having moved--until I started having stabbing chest pain at age 26, had great difficulty remembering my birthday and phone number, and I kept falling over into walls.
The hubby took me to the ER, and of course, the chest pain complaint freaked everyone out. By the time they rolled me down to take an x-ray of my chest, I had lost my ability to walk. After ruling out blod clots, heart attack, and goodness knows what else, the diagnoses through me for a loop. It turns out that my Topamax dosage was too high, and it had built up a toxicity in my body. The sudden onset of symptoms was blamed on my recent strictness in taking the pill.
So, my lifesaver has been cut back to 25 mg, which still causes the above mentioned side effects. This is supposed to taper off as my body readjusts. I'm still hoping that Topamax works out for me, but I had no idea that these side effects could occur.
So the moral--be informed and watch out for side effects. Topamax is a good drug, but too much of any good thing can be bad.
Playboy Girls--Playing it Smart?
Originally Posted: Thursday, February 21, 2008
I'm up at 12:40am EST watching "The Girls Next Door" on E! I'm usually watching the History Channel, but my brain is fried. Anyway, this show is a portrayal of the real life of 3 playboy playmates.
Now before you go and think I'm about to bash them, please read on for a moment. I'm the last person to say anything about a woman who uses what means she finds necessary to survive as long as it's legal. A girl's gotta do what she's gotta do, and every situation is unique. I try my best not to stereotype these girls into half-wits, trashy, or anything of the like. But, these girls are killing me.
Ending sentences with "and stuff" and saying that's "too much thinking" is really hurting my heart. The only adjectives I've heard are "amazing" and "cute", and I'm watching one girl describe how wonderful this guy is at cooking after he created these "amazing" grilled cheese and ham sandwiches in a sandwich pressing machine.
Yet, I do wonder are they really that stupid? Or, are they simply playing the part, marketing a product, and fulfilling the ideals of their customers who are paying oh so much money to have them just the way they are. I'll at least tell myself that so that I may sleep knowing that there aren't beautiful women out there using free press coverage to take us back 100 years.
You want to know who kicks serious butt though?--Mary the secretary. You'll have to watch the show to know what I mean for now because I'm sleepy, and now something about Hollywood's sexiest people is on. Ah, the lures of beautiful people who can use that beauty to make a fortune. I can complain about their pointless conversation, but they are making millions, and I'm watching them, so what can I say? At least the economy is being fueled a bit.
I'm up at 12:40am EST watching "The Girls Next Door" on E! I'm usually watching the History Channel, but my brain is fried. Anyway, this show is a portrayal of the real life of 3 playboy playmates.
Now before you go and think I'm about to bash them, please read on for a moment. I'm the last person to say anything about a woman who uses what means she finds necessary to survive as long as it's legal. A girl's gotta do what she's gotta do, and every situation is unique. I try my best not to stereotype these girls into half-wits, trashy, or anything of the like. But, these girls are killing me.
Ending sentences with "and stuff" and saying that's "too much thinking" is really hurting my heart. The only adjectives I've heard are "amazing" and "cute", and I'm watching one girl describe how wonderful this guy is at cooking after he created these "amazing" grilled cheese and ham sandwiches in a sandwich pressing machine.
Yet, I do wonder are they really that stupid? Or, are they simply playing the part, marketing a product, and fulfilling the ideals of their customers who are paying oh so much money to have them just the way they are. I'll at least tell myself that so that I may sleep knowing that there aren't beautiful women out there using free press coverage to take us back 100 years.
You want to know who kicks serious butt though?--Mary the secretary. You'll have to watch the show to know what I mean for now because I'm sleepy, and now something about Hollywood's sexiest people is on. Ah, the lures of beautiful people who can use that beauty to make a fortune. I can complain about their pointless conversation, but they are making millions, and I'm watching them, so what can I say? At least the economy is being fueled a bit.
Pet Peeves
Originally Posted: Thursday, January 3, 2008
1. Knowing that even though my office mate didn't answer his phone and thereby signaling that obviously he is not there, the person making the inner office call will come in here and look for him every single time.
2. People who make voices...especially sudden, obnoxious voices when you don't expect them.
3. People who make fun of nerds, dorks, etc.
4. People who are always negative.
5. If a woman is sexual in any way, she is a whore. A man can do whatever he wants, and he is the man.
6. People telling me I can't do something.
7. Loud people with no tact.
8. Condescending tones of voice
9. Hypocrites
10. Being stuck in any situation I feel I can't get out of.
OK I feel better now.
1. Knowing that even though my office mate didn't answer his phone and thereby signaling that obviously he is not there, the person making the inner office call will come in here and look for him every single time.
2. People who make voices...especially sudden, obnoxious voices when you don't expect them.
3. People who make fun of nerds, dorks, etc.
4. People who are always negative.
5. If a woman is sexual in any way, she is a whore. A man can do whatever he wants, and he is the man.
6. People telling me I can't do something.
7. Loud people with no tact.
8. Condescending tones of voice
9. Hypocrites
10. Being stuck in any situation I feel I can't get out of.
OK I feel better now.
Body Issues
Originally Posted: Thursday, January 3, 2008
Have you ever calculated your ideal weight? Don't. It will depress the heck out of you if you are a typical size 14 American woman. I am 5'6", and according to this formula I have found, I should weigh 128 pounds which would put me in about a size 6. Yes, a size six. I have been blessed with a large yet perky rear end. Otherwise, I would probably be in a size 4 at that weight.
I have found that the creases I could make on my face do go away when I drink more water, so once again, Mother's wisdom proved correct. 25 has certainly been a year of body changes. I'm still able to run, but the thought of not being able to terrifies me. At what point in your life are you not able to really be active? You see these older people who long ago gave up exercise. I don't want to be that person. I want to run until I die, and dieing is something I don't intend upon doing.
It has been a great week overall though. I got my car back all shiny and new looking from the shop. I was accepted into VSU's Master's in Library and Information Science Program (MLIS for future reference). We ate dinner with my parents, and that proved to be therapeutic for me. I felt like I hadn't spent any real time with them in ages. I will be an utter mess when they are gone. I contemplated what it would be like to not be able to call my Dad and tell him about my new home I'll buy to retire in or what nursing home my kids will dump me in. I can't comprehend the days when he won't be here. I wish God would let us email dead people.I think I'm going to feed my addiction to myspace now.
Have you ever calculated your ideal weight? Don't. It will depress the heck out of you if you are a typical size 14 American woman. I am 5'6", and according to this formula I have found, I should weigh 128 pounds which would put me in about a size 6. Yes, a size six. I have been blessed with a large yet perky rear end. Otherwise, I would probably be in a size 4 at that weight.
I have found that the creases I could make on my face do go away when I drink more water, so once again, Mother's wisdom proved correct. 25 has certainly been a year of body changes. I'm still able to run, but the thought of not being able to terrifies me. At what point in your life are you not able to really be active? You see these older people who long ago gave up exercise. I don't want to be that person. I want to run until I die, and dieing is something I don't intend upon doing.
It has been a great week overall though. I got my car back all shiny and new looking from the shop. I was accepted into VSU's Master's in Library and Information Science Program (MLIS for future reference). We ate dinner with my parents, and that proved to be therapeutic for me. I felt like I hadn't spent any real time with them in ages. I will be an utter mess when they are gone. I contemplated what it would be like to not be able to call my Dad and tell him about my new home I'll buy to retire in or what nursing home my kids will dump me in. I can't comprehend the days when he won't be here. I wish God would let us email dead people.I think I'm going to feed my addiction to myspace now.
Aging
Originally Posted: Thursday, January 3, 2008
I remember when my mother was 25. She received a Bible from her mother, and I can remember reading the inside cover. It was made of red, smooth leather, and everything in my 7 year old mind was at peace for some reason. I can remember Mom's hands and how they looked much older than her face.
I'm 25 now. Unlike my mother I don't have 3 children, but I feel my age is showing more than my mother's age ever thought about revealing. I'm horrified that I can fold my skin together on my face and see a temporary crease. Mom says I'm not drinking enough water. I know that unfortunately, I got my father's aging genes, and I'm doomed to ugliness by the age of 30. Mom doesn't have a single line on her face. It makes me sick.
Now, I'm investing time and money in preserving what youth I do have. I think if I lose the excess weight that will help dramatically. Drinking more water wouldn't be a bad idea at all either. I have gray in my hair, and small lines under my eyes to accent the dark circles, and I have successfully depressed myself enough to just go home and hide under a pillow.
I remember when my mother was 25. She received a Bible from her mother, and I can remember reading the inside cover. It was made of red, smooth leather, and everything in my 7 year old mind was at peace for some reason. I can remember Mom's hands and how they looked much older than her face.
I'm 25 now. Unlike my mother I don't have 3 children, but I feel my age is showing more than my mother's age ever thought about revealing. I'm horrified that I can fold my skin together on my face and see a temporary crease. Mom says I'm not drinking enough water. I know that unfortunately, I got my father's aging genes, and I'm doomed to ugliness by the age of 30. Mom doesn't have a single line on her face. It makes me sick.
Now, I'm investing time and money in preserving what youth I do have. I think if I lose the excess weight that will help dramatically. Drinking more water wouldn't be a bad idea at all either. I have gray in my hair, and small lines under my eyes to accent the dark circles, and I have successfully depressed myself enough to just go home and hide under a pillow.
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