Purpose and People

Waking up with a sense of some purpose was awesome today. What was my purpose? To go pee in a cup and be poked and prodded for my new job. I have never been so happy to do these things. My purpose was furthered by the fact that I was pretty sure I had entered heaven at my new place of employment. (I'm part of the medical world again). The people were kind, educated, and respectful. It was infectious. It almost creeped me out a little, but not enough to scare me away. I don't think they realize how wonderful their kindness was to this single girl living alone with her two animals. However, I do feel terrible for offending the nurse. I am often clueless, and it somehow escaped my mind that I am going to work for a CATHOLIC hospital, so saying "Jesus" as I stepped on the scale after having said "Jesus" before for whatever reason, prompted the nurse to say "He is our almighty proctector, and you keep calling out for Him!". Needless to say, I felt like crap, and I managed to only say one more "oh my god" I think. I love that nurse, though. She made me miss my Mama and Nana. :)

But, every good thing must end, and my purpose was replaced with hyper helpful sales associates at the shoe store. I know I am hormonal today, and I know they are just doing their job. Trust me, I've been there doing the same job. I was already tense because I'm having to shop for work shoes on a budget, and while I'm trying to make Nine West boots fit around my thick calves, one of the associates speaks to me as if I'm 5 and says something along the lines of "Did you find some boots you liked?". I was already embarrassing myself, and I saw no reason for her to speak to me loudly and condescendingly. Then, it was like I couldn't get away from all the cheerful people. They should do like we did when I was working the retail circuit. When you come across that bitch who just doesn't want any help, tell all your friends to leave her alone!

Anyway, the day seemed filled with more annoying people than I could handle, so I did not stay out for longer than necessary. Buster and Daisy were happy for me to get the hell out of their house for a change, and I can hardly wait for next week.

Aging is a bitch

Age is such a relentless bitch. I refer to her in the female form as her traits emulate that example best. She ever so slowly grows on you, leaving a mark here and there, until you are consumed by daily reminders that her presence was there all along.

Watching my father age has been the most difficult. I cannot a picture a world without him in it without nearly bursting into tears. I have always said he would live forever, and we would end up in the same retirement home, joking and carrying on as we always have. Of all the people in the world, I simply cannot have him die. Age robs him of pieces here and there. His hearing, memory, concentration, and other things are starting to deteriorate. He seems to push ever on with all the cheer and energy he always has. It's when I see him in person that I collapse inside. I pretend now that it is not happening. I go to that naive part of my mind that knows he will be here even longer than I.

As for myself, I am not yet 30, but I know that my hair is graying, and I already do not have the energy I once did for cleaning the house. The energy part could probably be rectified by exercise and better diet. I figure out who I am more and more every day, and I become much more comfortable with that daily as well. I never knew what "finding one's self" really meant until this year. I know how to recognize it on the faces of others as well. It's a wonderful thing that cannot be faked to those who understand it.

Yuck

Being single has its advantages. I am the sole decision maker, and there is never an argument. My house is surprisingly clean and decorated to my taste. Only those who are single and living independently probably know how much solace that can bring in a hectic world. No one is hear to comment on my fat ass or my cooking, and my two basset hounds are welcome to sleep in the bed cozy and curled up next to me.

However, there is also the fact that I have been especially down today and a bit under the weather. I am nauseated and have a headache, and unlike before, I have no one to baby me and tell me I will be OK. No family, no boyfriend, no husband, no kids. That is probably the one thing I miss the most--the company and caring--someone who would go find me some ginger ale and take the dogs out in the cold rain so that I could stay warm inside and recover--someone to feel my head for a temperature and kiss me good night. Some do not appreciate that from those that love them. I probably did not appreciate it enough.

But, we exchange simple pleasures for the potential of a better future. We allow logic and responsibility to override our hearts. We exist, strive for more money, and we die with no one really caring or appreciating the sacrifice. But, we don't do it for the recognition anyway. It's just the right thing to do...right?

My dog has curled up next to me. Like me, she thinks it's bedtime.

This is my third attempt at blogging since being laid off, and as I have before, I really am just blank. I can think of many different things to talk about but not just one. I figure it will be better to simply start typing and get at least some of it out.

I have discovered Twitter. It is therapy for ADHD sufferers. I love it.

I was recently inspired by my little 8 year old cousin. Adorable and smart, she shares the same interests in obscure things such as Presidents, First Ladies, Globes, and Science. She is such a sweet child, and as bright as she can be. So help me, if I do not die penniless, she will get something from me when I die. At this rate, I hate that I may very well disappoint her in that regard, but I hope I can be a good influence.

Continuing on the note of young girls, holy crap what is up with the hooch movement? The utter lack of respect for one's self is appalling in this age group of young women (11 - 22). Now, keep in mind, I am about the most liberal free-thinking person one can find (ok, well not exactly extreme left or anything), but when a girl feels like she has to give up so much of herself to a guy who will treat her like last week's Chinese food forgotten in the fridge is mind boggling.

Hopefully the next post will be better put together. This one is totally random.