Single and Scared

I came to the realization that if I have a flat tire, I'm screwed.

I have made progress by leaps and bounds in my finances since the divorce, but I'm still a long way from secure. I am grateful to be employed, and I am certainly not complaining. I know many have it worse. But, I'm not worried about many, I'm worried about me at the moment.

So, instead of buying that old world map tapestry I want so badly, I am focusing on the washing machine and lawn mower I will soon be needing when I move. I'm thinking a hand truck and some more household tools would be a good idea. And, of course, I need to work on a savings account. I'll get there. I feel like I'm growing up all over again, except this time I'm very far away from home and all by myself.

A dear friend has introduced me to Amazon's wish list. This is the best way to get a Christmas list. Maybe Mom will throw in that tapestry this year! :)

It was one of those days where everyone seemed to have lost their minds. I was nerved to the point that I was having non-existent arguments with people who had caused me grief in my mind. On the way home, after working late again, I noticed one of my beautiful storms coming in from the West as I am heading in North. I also noticed that my gas light came on.

It began to pour just as I have almost reached my apartment complex. Long day + No gas + Rain storm = Hysteria. I parked my car (after hitting the curb), and I looked at my umbrella in the back seat--and left it there. I got out and walked in the hard rain to my apartment. I rolled my jeans into capris, put on flip flops, and leashed up the dogs to be drained. I proceeded to walk back out into the pouring rain, and I enjoyed every drop. I even kicked some puddles. I forgot how much fun it was to feel water between my toes in a good rain. I'm sure I garnered some stares, but I know that one passerby in his car was smiling as if to say "she's lost her mind" or "she looks incandescently happy". I figure it's a cross between the two.

My picture is me after the rain running through the emotions of the day. I'm curious if anyone can pick out which expression goes with which set of eyes. Today, I will be happy. And, tomorrow, I will fight to win again.

Single Life

I suppose I've passed the initial process of learning to live alone. I sought and found inspiration in books geared toward women in my situation, and I cleared more from my DVR than I care to admit. I let my work consume me so that I don't have to think. I poured my heart, as always, into someone who can offer nothing in return but a broken heart.

On to phase two, I have found a place that more than suits me, and I can hardly wait to get moved. These things by their very nature make me terribly anxious, so I wish to get it all over with. Change, good or bad, wracks my nerves. Being a grown up sucks. I'm glad there is medication for it.

I am hoping to approach this next step with a different mindset. I hope to read more educational books, take a dance class, and simply enjoy the company of my heartbreaker while he will have me. Maybe I'll save enough money for that Victorian home I want so badly. Maybe I'll finally learn Latin or trace my genealogy.

Maybe, tonight, I'll get some sleep.

CLICK PICTURE FOR CBS NEWS ARTICLE

OK Nell is the woman...well, she is. She was nominated California's 2007 Woman of the Year after beating the fire out of a lion that attacked her husband and managed to flag down help and save his life.

I first heard of Nell Hamm while watching "I Survived" on Bio. She told the compelling story of how she picked up an eight foot long stick that was four inches in diameter and started whoopin' ass. I am inspired, and of course, I will find a way to apply this to my life.

Speaking of "I Survived", you've just got to love the stories from people who nearly died of their own stupidity. Natural Selection sneezed in the process. I think those people don't deserve to make the show. It's people like Nell who take matters into their own hands and just mean that they will survive. She couldn't help it that a lion attacked her husband and tried going for her. She took lemons and made some Mike's Hard Lemonade.

Thank you, Nell.

My Favorite Holiday

No matter how absorbed I am in my trivial problems, this day brings me out of it for a bit. I love my life in this country. I love that there are still safe places to go. Though at times we are one big dysfunctional family full of idiots and geniuses alike, we tend to all be on the same side when it comes to our freedom. We demand it.

I am sitting on a futon on the third floor of my apartment building watching the town fireworks shoot above the rooftops. I love the pops, crackles, and booms. I can't get over the fact that it's 63 degrees and windy outside. I miss that hot, sultry Georgia atmosphere. I am reminded of summer romances as a teenager. Intense, forbidden, and so very exciting with a bit of mystery to them. Somewhere between then and now that generation of guys lost their minds. They rush to the finish line right off the bat. At this point in my life, I'd just assume do without.

The show is over, and the crowd has cheered. We have marked our 233rd year of Independence. Nights like tonight help to foster my courage to make my move East. I am so grateful for the sacrifices of so many to be able to follow my dreams.

Piece by Piece

I found a little more of myself today. After recovering from a bit of self-inflicted trauma, I put on the mindset that I have to conquer the world somehow no matter if I was in the mood to or not.

On the way home from work, I found my hand slipped out of the top of my car window and tapping the frame to the music. I remembered how Daddy always did that. His arm was tan until the shirt line was met. He had always warned us not to stick our limbs out of windows, yet he was the fearless protector who could do those kinds of dangerous things. I realized today that it is time to grow up and be my own fearless protector (ok let's be real, I've got some fear).

So, I turned up my obscurely dated music, fought the urge to turn it down at stop signs to avoid being "embarrassed" by my eclectic taste for someone my age, and I reveled in the fact that I am who I am. I love being the oddity that I am, and I love that few people get me.

I am happy tonight, and that is more than many can say.

Collected Quotes for May 2009

Originally Posted: Sunday, May 31, 2009

1. Live your life so that you'll have stories you would not dare tell your grandchildren. -- Stephanie C. Bond

2. And the truth is, I prefer a bumpy ride. At least you know you're moving. -- Susan Maushart

3. Being an old maid is like death by drowning, a really delightful sensation after you cease to struggle. -- Edna Ferber

4. Some people are like Slinkies--not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. -- Unknown

5. It was the most fun you have with your clothes on. -- Rick Bragg

6. The best way to get over one man is to get under another. --Joan, Sandra, and Ann

7. Don't worry about the mule being blind, just load the wagon. -- Daddy
8. And may all your ups and downs -- come only in the bedroom. -- toast in Rachel Getting Married