Yuck

Being single has its advantages. I am the sole decision maker, and there is never an argument. My house is surprisingly clean and decorated to my taste. Only those who are single and living independently probably know how much solace that can bring in a hectic world. No one is hear to comment on my fat ass or my cooking, and my two basset hounds are welcome to sleep in the bed cozy and curled up next to me.

However, there is also the fact that I have been especially down today and a bit under the weather. I am nauseated and have a headache, and unlike before, I have no one to baby me and tell me I will be OK. No family, no boyfriend, no husband, no kids. That is probably the one thing I miss the most--the company and caring--someone who would go find me some ginger ale and take the dogs out in the cold rain so that I could stay warm inside and recover--someone to feel my head for a temperature and kiss me good night. Some do not appreciate that from those that love them. I probably did not appreciate it enough.

But, we exchange simple pleasures for the potential of a better future. We allow logic and responsibility to override our hearts. We exist, strive for more money, and we die with no one really caring or appreciating the sacrifice. But, we don't do it for the recognition anyway. It's just the right thing to do...right?

My dog has curled up next to me. Like me, she thinks it's bedtime.

This is my third attempt at blogging since being laid off, and as I have before, I really am just blank. I can think of many different things to talk about but not just one. I figure it will be better to simply start typing and get at least some of it out.

I have discovered Twitter. It is therapy for ADHD sufferers. I love it.

I was recently inspired by my little 8 year old cousin. Adorable and smart, she shares the same interests in obscure things such as Presidents, First Ladies, Globes, and Science. She is such a sweet child, and as bright as she can be. So help me, if I do not die penniless, she will get something from me when I die. At this rate, I hate that I may very well disappoint her in that regard, but I hope I can be a good influence.

Continuing on the note of young girls, holy crap what is up with the hooch movement? The utter lack of respect for one's self is appalling in this age group of young women (11 - 22). Now, keep in mind, I am about the most liberal free-thinking person one can find (ok, well not exactly extreme left or anything), but when a girl feels like she has to give up so much of herself to a guy who will treat her like last week's Chinese food forgotten in the fridge is mind boggling.

Hopefully the next post will be better put together. This one is totally random.

Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow

Found in some old pictures and papers:

There are two days in every week about which we should not worry, two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.

One of these days is Yesterday with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control.

All the money in the world cannot bring back Yesterday. We cannot undo a single act we performed; we cannot erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone.

The other day we should not worry about is Tomorrow with its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise and poor performance. Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control.

Tomorrow's sun will rise, either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds - but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in Tomorrow, for it is yet unborn.

This leaves only one day - Today. Any man can fight the battles of just one day; it is only when you or I add the burdens of those two awful eternities - Yesterday - and Tomorrow - that we break down.

It is not the experience of Today that drives men mad - it is remorse or bitterness for something which happened Yesterday and the dread of what Tomorrow may bring.

Let us, therefore, live but one day at a time....

Anonymous

Laid Off

I was laid off today. In fact, my team of 4 was laid off. I truly loved that job and the people I worked with. I feel a bit sick and still a bit shell-shocked.

So, I came home and filed for unemployment, applied for 4 jobs, updated my resume on Monster and Career Builder, contacted those in my network, cut off every extraneous bill, and finally reached that point in my mind I had been trying to avoid all day.

I had to think about how my patterns are stopped. I won't be waking up and heading into work tomorrow. I'll just wake up. I cannot be without work. Much of my self worth is determined by it. Not to mention, my income has ceased, and I live alone (minus the two ever faithful basset hounds).

Oddly enough, I did not cry today. I teared up a little, but that was it. I was more sad of the loss of my team than the actual job. I had never worked with a better group of guys. I really hate to think of working with anyone else. It's almost like a divorce you didn't want, where you have to learn to eventually move on to someone else and you don't know if you can stand it.

I spent the last year pouring myself into my work. I was dedicated, loyal, did nothing wrong, and felt as if I was making a difference. Now some outsourcing firm will rush in and take over. There will be no pride in making things work and making sense out of madness. It will only be chasing many, many dollars with no care for the people they serve. Why would a company want that? I don't know. Even financially speaking, they will certainly pay more for outsourced technology than all of our salaries combined. They forget that consultants don't work for free after 40 hours or on holidays.

So, I'm up now, and of course sleep seems impossible. I hate uncertainty, and boy, am I in an ocean of it. Living alone sucked enough, but now I will be facing the days alone too. I don't think I am built for that. Then again, no one really is I guess.

Single and Scared

I came to the realization that if I have a flat tire, I'm screwed.

I have made progress by leaps and bounds in my finances since the divorce, but I'm still a long way from secure. I am grateful to be employed, and I am certainly not complaining. I know many have it worse. But, I'm not worried about many, I'm worried about me at the moment.

So, instead of buying that old world map tapestry I want so badly, I am focusing on the washing machine and lawn mower I will soon be needing when I move. I'm thinking a hand truck and some more household tools would be a good idea. And, of course, I need to work on a savings account. I'll get there. I feel like I'm growing up all over again, except this time I'm very far away from home and all by myself.

A dear friend has introduced me to Amazon's wish list. This is the best way to get a Christmas list. Maybe Mom will throw in that tapestry this year! :)

It was one of those days where everyone seemed to have lost their minds. I was nerved to the point that I was having non-existent arguments with people who had caused me grief in my mind. On the way home, after working late again, I noticed one of my beautiful storms coming in from the West as I am heading in North. I also noticed that my gas light came on.

It began to pour just as I have almost reached my apartment complex. Long day + No gas + Rain storm = Hysteria. I parked my car (after hitting the curb), and I looked at my umbrella in the back seat--and left it there. I got out and walked in the hard rain to my apartment. I rolled my jeans into capris, put on flip flops, and leashed up the dogs to be drained. I proceeded to walk back out into the pouring rain, and I enjoyed every drop. I even kicked some puddles. I forgot how much fun it was to feel water between my toes in a good rain. I'm sure I garnered some stares, but I know that one passerby in his car was smiling as if to say "she's lost her mind" or "she looks incandescently happy". I figure it's a cross between the two.

My picture is me after the rain running through the emotions of the day. I'm curious if anyone can pick out which expression goes with which set of eyes. Today, I will be happy. And, tomorrow, I will fight to win again.

Single Life

I suppose I've passed the initial process of learning to live alone. I sought and found inspiration in books geared toward women in my situation, and I cleared more from my DVR than I care to admit. I let my work consume me so that I don't have to think. I poured my heart, as always, into someone who can offer nothing in return but a broken heart.

On to phase two, I have found a place that more than suits me, and I can hardly wait to get moved. These things by their very nature make me terribly anxious, so I wish to get it all over with. Change, good or bad, wracks my nerves. Being a grown up sucks. I'm glad there is medication for it.

I am hoping to approach this next step with a different mindset. I hope to read more educational books, take a dance class, and simply enjoy the company of my heartbreaker while he will have me. Maybe I'll save enough money for that Victorian home I want so badly. Maybe I'll finally learn Latin or trace my genealogy.

Maybe, tonight, I'll get some sleep.