Single and Scared

I came to the realization that if I have a flat tire, I'm screwed.

I have made progress by leaps and bounds in my finances since the divorce, but I'm still a long way from secure. I am grateful to be employed, and I am certainly not complaining. I know many have it worse. But, I'm not worried about many, I'm worried about me at the moment.

So, instead of buying that old world map tapestry I want so badly, I am focusing on the washing machine and lawn mower I will soon be needing when I move. I'm thinking a hand truck and some more household tools would be a good idea. And, of course, I need to work on a savings account. I'll get there. I feel like I'm growing up all over again, except this time I'm very far away from home and all by myself.

A dear friend has introduced me to Amazon's wish list. This is the best way to get a Christmas list. Maybe Mom will throw in that tapestry this year! :)

It was one of those days where everyone seemed to have lost their minds. I was nerved to the point that I was having non-existent arguments with people who had caused me grief in my mind. On the way home, after working late again, I noticed one of my beautiful storms coming in from the West as I am heading in North. I also noticed that my gas light came on.

It began to pour just as I have almost reached my apartment complex. Long day + No gas + Rain storm = Hysteria. I parked my car (after hitting the curb), and I looked at my umbrella in the back seat--and left it there. I got out and walked in the hard rain to my apartment. I rolled my jeans into capris, put on flip flops, and leashed up the dogs to be drained. I proceeded to walk back out into the pouring rain, and I enjoyed every drop. I even kicked some puddles. I forgot how much fun it was to feel water between my toes in a good rain. I'm sure I garnered some stares, but I know that one passerby in his car was smiling as if to say "she's lost her mind" or "she looks incandescently happy". I figure it's a cross between the two.

My picture is me after the rain running through the emotions of the day. I'm curious if anyone can pick out which expression goes with which set of eyes. Today, I will be happy. And, tomorrow, I will fight to win again.

Single Life

I suppose I've passed the initial process of learning to live alone. I sought and found inspiration in books geared toward women in my situation, and I cleared more from my DVR than I care to admit. I let my work consume me so that I don't have to think. I poured my heart, as always, into someone who can offer nothing in return but a broken heart.

On to phase two, I have found a place that more than suits me, and I can hardly wait to get moved. These things by their very nature make me terribly anxious, so I wish to get it all over with. Change, good or bad, wracks my nerves. Being a grown up sucks. I'm glad there is medication for it.

I am hoping to approach this next step with a different mindset. I hope to read more educational books, take a dance class, and simply enjoy the company of my heartbreaker while he will have me. Maybe I'll save enough money for that Victorian home I want so badly. Maybe I'll finally learn Latin or trace my genealogy.

Maybe, tonight, I'll get some sleep.